On Monday I was struggling with thoughts of failure. I felt like what I was doing wasn't making a difference. Maybe it's a combination of postpartum blues and midlife crisis. I don't know. I kept feeling like I should be further along in my character development by now. For the first time in my life I started to doubt my worth to God. I felt like a total disappointment to Him. Because where much is given much is expected. I prayed for some help, because I know these feelings don't come from God. I wished I could have an angel come and tell me exactly how I should be feeling and how God felt about me.
During Family Home Evening Natalie gave an excellent lesson on faith. Then she asked Jaremy to bear His testimony of Christ. I haven't talked to Jaremy about my feelings, but it was like what He was saying was an answer to exactly what I'd been praying about. I wish I could have had a voice recorder right then. But at least I remember Heavenly Father was answering my prayer; He had heard it.
Yesterday I took the kids on a ride on some dirt roads in the mountains. It has been an extremely mild winter, so I was happy to take advantage of the dry roads. We were enjoying the cedar trees and mountainside while we listened to a book about the pilgrims. Then as we went down a huge hill it became extremely muddy and slippery. I barely got down the hill without sliding off the road and rolling down the hillside. We didn't get stuck because gravity pulled us down the hill. When we got to the bottom there was another steep hill on the other side covered in deep mud. We were trapped. I had no idea what to do. I was afraid we would have to be towed out of there...in the spring. I was afraid if I tried to go either way I would slid off the road and roll down the ravine. At the very least I figured we would get stuck in the ruts of deep, slimy mud.
Right then I told the scared kids I had no idea what to do. I had been silly coming on this drive and getting us into this mess. I said we needed to pray because I really didn't know what we should do. I prayed. I asked if we should go forward. Didn't feel terrific about that. Yes, a stupor of thought. Same with turning around and going back up the hill we had come down on. Again, I didn't feel good about it. I wasn't sure I was getting an answer. I felt like an idiot for getting us into this predicament. I thought well I guess I'll just go forward. But as I started it looked terrible and I felt bad about it. Then Heavenly Father gave me an idea. Back up the hill the way we had come. I thought backing up would be even more difficult, so I knew the idea hadn't come from me. So that's what I did. It worked. I had better traction and control. As I started to back up, self-doubt crowded in, I ask myself, "Now do I turn left to go right or is it the opposite." Again I felt an answer. I didn't hear words, but I felt, "Don't over analyze this. You know how to do this without thinking about it. Just trust yourself." Then a picture of myself as a child in our tiny pickup truck in Honeyville popped into my mind. My dad had me practice backing up along a road in our field for hours (well it seemed like hours). So I just turned on auto-pilot.
The hill was at least a quarter of a mile long. But I was again given the idea, just take it one bit at a time. That's what we did. Yes, we still slid and got stuck a few times. The kids screamed in the back of the van when they feared we were sliding over the edge. But we made it a bit at a time. We backed up, got stuck, wiggled our way forward and backward, got out, then back up again. At first it didn't seem like we were going anywhere, but we kept at it. Finally, we made it to the top of the hill where we could turn around on dry ground.
Heavenly Father has taught me a lot while I've thought about this experience. In life we are going to get stuck. Sometimes it's our own fault, sometimes it's just life. Either way Heavenly Father can and will help us if we turn to Him. I also feel Heavenly Father was answering my prayers about my feelings earlier in the week. I need to have more confidence in myself as I try in my backward way to follow His teachings and promptings. I don't need to over analyze. I can just act in love, follow my gut, and keep trying to improve and build the Kingdom. Most of the time it doesn't seem like we are making progress, but that's okay, just focus on the moment. If I make progress in that moment, no matter how small (smiling instead of frowning, hugging instead of spanking, singing instead of yelling, blessing others instead of whining, helping a child with school instead of watching the news, etc.) eventually I'll get to the top of the hill. I will slip and slid a bit. That's just part of the fun! I don't need to worry; Heavenly Father is helping me. I need to have confidence that I am a precious daughter of God, with great potential, and with great accomplishments already under my belt. I just need to be humble, hopeful, and faithful. Then with the Lord I can get through any situation big or small.
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