Answers to Prayers

On Monday I was struggling with thoughts of failure.  I felt like what I was doing wasn't making a difference.  Maybe it's a combination of postpartum blues and midlife crisis.  I don't know.  I kept feeling like I should be further along in my character development by now.  For the first time in my life I started to doubt my worth to God.  I felt like a total disappointment to Him.  Because where much is given much is expected.  I prayed for some help, because I know these feelings don't come from God.  I wished I could have an angel come and tell me exactly how I should be feeling and how God felt about me.

During Family Home Evening Natalie gave an excellent lesson on faith.  Then she asked Jaremy to bear His testimony of Christ.  I haven't talked to Jaremy about my feelings, but it was like what He was saying was an answer to exactly what I'd been praying about.  I wish I could have had a voice recorder right then.  But at least I remember Heavenly Father was answering my prayer;  He had heard it.

Yesterday I took the kids on a ride on some dirt roads in the mountains.  It has been an extremely mild winter, so I was happy to take advantage of the dry roads.  We were enjoying the cedar trees and mountainside while we listened to a book about the pilgrims.  Then as we went down a huge hill it became extremely muddy and slippery.  I barely got down the hill without sliding off the road and rolling down the hillside.  We didn't get stuck because gravity pulled us down the hill.  When we got to the bottom there was another steep hill on the other side covered in deep mud.  We were trapped.  I had no idea what to do.  I was afraid we would have to be towed out of there...in the spring.  I was afraid if I tried to go either way I would slid off the road and roll down the ravine.  At the very least I figured we would get stuck in the ruts of deep, slimy mud.

Right then I told the scared kids I had no idea what to do.  I had been silly coming on this drive and getting us into this mess.  I said we needed to pray because I really didn't know what we should do.  I prayed.  I asked if we should go forward.  Didn't feel terrific about that.  Yes, a stupor of thought.  Same with turning around and going back up the hill we had come down on.  Again, I didn't feel good about it.  I wasn't sure I was getting an answer.  I felt like an idiot for getting us into this predicament.  I thought well I guess I'll just go forward. But as I started it looked terrible and I felt bad about it.  Then Heavenly Father gave me an idea.  Back up the hill the way we had come.  I thought backing up would be even more difficult, so I knew the idea hadn't come from me.  So that's what I did.  It worked.  I had better traction and control.  As I started to back up, self-doubt crowded in, I ask myself, "Now do I turn left to go right or is it the opposite."  Again I felt an answer.  I didn't hear words, but I felt, "Don't over analyze this.  You know how to do this without thinking about it.  Just trust yourself."  Then a picture of myself as a child in our tiny pickup truck in Honeyville popped into my mind.  My dad had me practice backing up along a road in our field for hours (well it seemed like hours).  So I just turned on auto-pilot.

The hill was at least a quarter of a mile long.  But I was again given the idea, just take it one bit at a time.  That's what we did.  Yes, we still slid and got stuck a few times.  The kids screamed in the back of the van when they feared we were sliding over the edge.  But we made it a bit at a time.  We backed up, got stuck, wiggled our way forward and backward, got out, then back up again. At first it didn't seem like we were going anywhere, but we kept at it.  Finally, we made it to the top of the hill where we could turn around on dry ground.

Heavenly Father has taught me a lot while I've thought about this experience.  In life we are going to get stuck.  Sometimes it's our own fault, sometimes it's just life.  Either way Heavenly Father can and will help us if we turn to Him.  I also feel Heavenly Father was answering my prayers about my feelings earlier in the week.  I need to have more confidence in myself as I try in my backward way to follow His teachings and promptings.  I don't need to over analyze.  I can just act in love, follow my gut, and keep trying to improve and build the Kingdom.  Most of the time it doesn't seem like we are making progress, but that's okay, just focus on the moment.  If I make progress in that moment, no matter how small (smiling instead of frowning, hugging instead of spanking, singing instead of yelling, blessing others instead of whining, helping a child with school instead of watching the news, etc.) eventually I'll get to the top of the hill.  I will slip and slid a bit.  That's just part of the fun!  I don't need to worry; Heavenly Father is helping me.  I need to have confidence that I am a precious daughter of God, with great potential, and with great accomplishments already under my belt.  I just need to be humble, hopeful, and faithful.  Then with the Lord I can get through any situation big or small.

Mom & Dad's Visit

My parents are learning to paramotor.  Exciting!  Their lessons are around here so they stop by afterwards.  It's fun to visit with them!  I love my daring, amazing parents.  They have always tackled learning, projects, and life with a can-do attitude!  I'm grateful Heavenly Father blessed me with such wonderful parents!

Bathroom Remodel

Yesterday the kids had the day off school.  We spent the whole day building a wall in the bathroom, sheetrocking it, plastering, and problem solving.  It was wonderful to see the kids work together and figure things out together.  They learned a lot and developed their creativity and team working skills.  They also worked harder than a usual day.  I thought we need a lot more days like this.  We need to experience real problems and challenges and fix them regularly.  Book learning is wonderful, but working in the real world is also critical.  Developing patience with each other and a good work ethic is essential as well. In some ways I feel we've become a little soft.  So I'm going to make sure days like this happen more often.  I'm grateful Heavenly Father gave us each other.  I'm grateful I know we can be together forever.  My heart would break if this wasn't the case.

Personal Progress with Natalie

Natalie just turned twelve.  She is determined to earn her Personal Progress in one year.  She is amazing!  She already has developed so many of the qualities of a righteous woman.  She is anxiously engaged in a good cause.  She can do so much in a day, a lot like my mom.  She has tremendous energy and focus.  Yet along the way she thinks about others and instinctively helps them.  Natalie is always happy; her smile is contagious.  She has such a loving, fun personality.  She is a planner, an organizer.  There is nothing she can't do.  And she does it all with a baby on her hip and a smile on her face.  I watch her everyday and pray I can be more like her.  Natalie, I love you so much!  I'm so grateful Heavenly Father let you be my daughter; you are a beautiful blessing!!!

Natalie has also encouraged me to earn my Personal Progress along with her.  That's going to be a challenge, because she is hard to keep up with.  Right now we are working on having the faith to say our prayers, morning and night.  As I've taken a bit more time to communicate with Heavenly Father I've felt His Spirit and encouragement more.  Prayer is such a blessing!

Bus

Did I ever mention we bought a bus!?  We are so excited!!!  We set a goal in 2014 as a family to buy a bus and convert it to an RV.  We didn't make it in 2014, but we did it in 2015.  The Lord helped us so much!  We accomplished a pretty hard goal for our family.  It took a ton of waiting and discipline.  We also ended the year out of debt and with a year's supply of basic food.  It feels so good to follow the prophet.  The Lord helped us do this; He answered our earnest prayers.  

We are excited to travel in the bus, but even if it just sat in the driveway it is worth it.  This because in case of an earthquake our house (made of brick and stone in the 1870s) will probably not stay upright.  So we can at least have shelter in the bus.  It also will make a great guest room.  We are so blessed!

Here are some of our goals for the bus:

• Strengthen Our Family
• Make fun, amazing memories
• Improve love and patience
• Become hardy, prepared, and more adventurous
• Appreciate the great outdoors more
• Strengthen our physical bodies through exploration & events
• Grow a family culture of unity that will make us inseparable forever
• Invite the Spirit into our family by doing the following
• Strengthen Our Extended Family
• Visit and serve our close family more easily
• Visit and serve our distant family
• Attend big family reunions
• Organize and hold big family reunions
• Get family histories from relatives
• Digitize and share family histories
• Take trips with extended family
• Do More Family History and Temple Work
• Work at many different temples
• Visit family history sites & get pictures
• Index and fill in trees along the way
• Share the Gospel with More People
• Meet lots for people & share gospel
• Have a family blog sharing our adventures
• Display on the bus some of what makes us happy
• Serve, visit, and love many, many people
• Enhance Our Education
• Explore our nation’s history
• Appreciate our pioneer history
• Increase our understanding of different cultures, places, science, geography, geology, language, etc.
• Attend southern homeschool conference
• Meet experts
• Go WWOOFing
• Learn how to create & share an incredible website
• Learn skills to earn plenty of money on the road

Fresh Bread

Ella (8) is teaching Tank (6) to make bread this week.  They do an amazing job!  I don't even enter the kitchen.  Ella makes beautiful bread and has since she was six.  All the kids older than her also make delicious bread completely on their own from memory.  Tank is learning fast.  It sure helps to have the kids serve the family in this way.  We have to make a batch at least once a day.  Yesterday we made two, eight loaves.  Seven loaves were gone before 24 hours were up.  A big family eats a ton!  It's fun to try to keep up!  I'm grateful Heavenly Father has blessed us with enough to eat and the joy of fresh bread!

Health Habits

Learning to rule over this mortal body is a huge challenge.  It's fun too!  I feel myself getting stronger since Jeebz being born.  I've had to really work at it!  Weight is hard to burn off, but I'm slowly gaining control.  I'm grateful Heavenly Father has blessed my efforts and gives me hope.  Because sometimes it could be discouraging. I've set eating seven habits that I want to master.  Plus, my workouts are planned and going great.  I'm building muscle -- ouch!

1. I eat at least two servings of raw vegetables before I eat anything else at each meal.
2. I am totally raw on Wednesdays.  
3. I don’t snack between meals.
4. I fast for 24 hours every Sunday.
5. I eat only sunshine for breakfast.  I eat between 600-700 kcalories for lunch and dinner.  (If I find I’m losing weight when I don’t want to I increase this a bit.)
6. I don’t consume sugar, white flour, chocolate (not because a little is bad, but because I quickly become addicted), artificial sweetener, coffee, tea, or carbonation.
7. I am vegetarian, except during the winter when I eat a bit of meat.

Presidents of the Church

I've been so blessed to read the Church's curriculum, "Teachings of the Presidents of the Church."  They have lifted and taught me over the years.  This year we are studying the life and words of Ezra Taft Benson.  Just reading about his life has been inspirational.

I am really struggling with being a mom.  It is truly the hardest job.  Okay, what other job do I know!  I lose my hope and patience and charity when I'm disobeyed.  When the kids fight like crazy I'm faced with the same feelings of failure.  I have to remember who they really are: valiant followers of Christ.  I have to help them remember that in kind, sweet, patient, encouraging way.  I have to not just subdue feelings of anger, but annihilate them.  I pray Heavenly Father will forgive me for my impatience and help me raise these young folks.  I pray they will not fail because of me.  But that they will succeed gloriously in spite of me. I pray we can have loving relationships.  Right now I feel like these desires are near impossible.  But I just need to be meek and lowly, teach with kindness (even when they make one bad choice after another), and pray like crazy!

Let's be clear.  I have great kids.  But some of them do not seem to have any desire to learn exact obedience or love for each other.  I understand them messing up sometimes, but I'd like to feel that they at least thought it was important to try.  I don't have a close relationship with some of my children right now.  That makes all the difference.  They don't care to obey me, because I haven't paid the price for their friendship.  I will try harder to swallow my anger and pride and earn their love.  For starters, I'm going to go up and talk to the ones that have been sent to their beds.  I will keep a prayer in my heart.  Wish me luck!

Saturday Morning

The house is quiet.  Just the heater running.  I've read my scriptures, said my prayers, studied a phrase in Chinese, and watched a YouTube video on how to drive the bus.

Jaremy is at Lowe's buying things to help the heater run better.  It has been very cold.  I'm so grateful he knows how to fix things around the house.  He also fixes the cars.  It is such a secure feeling knowing that Jaremy knows and can do so much.  Jaremy has been blessed with many skills, talents, interests, and qualities.  He is detail-oriented, but also sees the big picture.  He figures things out very quickly and fully.  He problem solves, designs, and invents like nobody's business.  He's amazing!

After Jaremy gets back we are going to the recreation center to workout.  Today is Saturday, so my schedule says I need to bike for 30 minutes, work my abs for 10 minutes, and my lower body for 10 minutes.  I love getting a chance to release some energy.  Yesterday I walked for 2 hours and 15 minutes.  I had Jeebz on my back for an hour of that with Adelynn and Ella at my side.  We are training to earn the hiking and backpacking merit badges this summer as a family.  It will be a huge challenge and tons of fun!!!  I'm so grateful Heavenly Father lets us bond as a family, set goals together, and enjoy one another's company along the journey!