It was good to visit with family at Jordan Lyle's funeral. I'm grateful there is no true sorrow except sin. I'm grateful I don't have to judge. I'm grateful for my low drama life and associates. I don't regard drama as sincere, but I'm sure it's just a different way of expressing sincere feelings. I am grateful these extended family things aren't everyday. I'm not very good at them. That's because I'm not as Christlike, humble, charitable, forgiving, and non-judgmental as I should be. I pray the Lord will give me the only gift that keeps me from being worthless: charity. I struggle to love people naturally and freely. I automatically judge and get annoyed by people who believe or live differently than what I deem right. How disgustingly arrogant of me! Then I just want to leave. I have to totally stop myself analyze my feelings and sins. Then I have to make a labored decision to love others and make sure I am helping them feel valued, encouraged, and accepted. It is ridiculous how this is such a difficult, unnatural process for me. The Lord does help me change my attitude, but I someday (like tomorrow or a decade ago) I wish unconditional love and concern would just flow out of my heart without having to be reasoned, prodded, and prayed out.
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