Measuring Up

Postpartum depression is a struggle for me sometimes.  I am so glad to have a new, sweet baby, so it's not that.  I love my children, family, and life, so it is not that either.  I feel so guilty about feeling overwhelmed and drained.  I have to combat negative self-talk that tells me lies about my self-worth, about my abilities, about my body, about my worthiness, etc.  I have a hard time dealing with, "Mommie, this..." and "Mommie, that..."  I feel guilty when I am holding the baby that I'm not working.  I feel guilty when I working that I'm not holding the baby.  Some of my children have been acting up lately.  This just makes me feel worse that I am not meeting their needs for attention, training, and love.  I have to really fight the feelings that I am failing, that I'm fat and ugly, that it is no use and just impossible.  I have to constantly suppress my temper.  

I know that having a new baby to care for is physically and emotionally exhausting.  I'm grateful for all the help I have.  I have the same feelings I did when the older children were babies, but I'm am dealing with it better.  I do break down and yell (or lecture on end), but it is much less likely and more quickly corrected.  I know from experience how to deal with painful, destructive thoughts.  I know how to count my blessings and feel comfort.  I am grateful for the opportunity these feelings give me to turn to the Lord.  No, I have not been blessed with relief from negative thoughts and doubts.  But I have faith that if I keep on doing my best and not give up the Lord will bless my little family with success.  That my diligent efforts will be enough with the Lord's help.  So I will continue this battle for as long as it takes.  I will replace negative thoughts with thoughts of success and love.  I will talk with more love and patience.  I will sing His praises.  Eventually their will be light at the end of the tunnel.  Until then I will I will grasp His hand and move myself and my little brood forward in faith.